Freshman Unsure If She Should Throw Away Flyer Now Or After Next Class

The most forced "thank you" of your day. Slightly irritated by the influx of organizations handing out flyers at Speaker's Circle, MU freshman Kathy Totes told reporters that she wasn't sure if she should throw away the Alpha Chi Omega...

Local Woman Literally Can’t Even Guys, Like, Oh My Gourd

Shocked and horrified by the fact that Donald Trump won the presidency, local woman Becca Mosley reportedly "literally can't even" following the results of last Tuesday's election. "She told me multiple times on Wednesday she couldn't believe it was real,"...

MU Promotional Models Still Sitting On Columns

It's been 382 days since the latest batch of MU promo models arrived at the college's iconic columns, sources confirmed Wednesday. The eight students volunteered to take pictures promoting the college but had no idea they would have to stay...

Mizzou Football Team Recovering From Massive Bullet Wound In Foot

"It's not like we're snorting coke or smoking weed." The MU football team is currently undergoing surgery after a massive self-inflicted gunshot wound to the foot was discovered by an estimated 60,000 fans on Saturday night. "It's hard to say what caused...

Report: Your Wardrobe Is Confused As Fuck

"Hanes? Haven't heard that name in years.." According to a report from the Department of Textile and Apparel Management, Missouri's wild shifts in October weather are taking a toll on the clothes in your closet. "There're days where I just...

Edgy As Fuck Professor Lights Up Room With Marijuana Joke

"I swear Brent, if you say there are only two genders one more time I'm dropping your ass." According to students in Physics 1200, Dr. Tray made a "dope-ass weed joke" to start his 9:00 am class. "I really do try...

Freshman About 85% Sure Nobody Will Steal Backpack If He Leaves It There

"Everyone is so respectful of other's things, isn't college great?" - Freshman Sources confirmed Monday that Sophomore Graham Powel was "pretty sure" that nobody would steal his backpack if he left it on his table in the Student Center so he...

University Girls With Zero Social Identity Struggle To Have Real Conversation

  "Becky, you bitch, I said I was making the duck face." Sources confirmed this Thursday that local University girls Becky Fontain, Sierra Pofo and Cynthia Clemens struggled to have a real conversation without sounding like a complete Twitter feed....